Are You Ready for Some Furball? (Football For Dummies)

For football fans, this is a wonderful time of year, full of college bowl games, NFL playoffs and then (dramatic pause) THE SUPER BOWL! It just doesn’t get any better than this! But if you’re one of those unfortunate folks who don’t understand football, the next few weeks will be boring and, yes, even depressing. You’ll be on the sidelines while your friends, family and significant others are having a great time watching football.

But cheer up! There’s a way to enjoy all the football-related fun and festivities without actually understanding the game. Just grab a beer and watch this brief instructional video:

To see more stupid videos, please visit my YouTube channel:
www.YouTube.com/MollyMayfield

Follow me on Twitter: AmazingMarkimus

I RESOLUTELY RESOLVE TO MAKE REALISTIC RESOLUTIONS

The last day of the year is here, and I don’t know about you, but I couldn’t be happier to see 2009 ride off into the sunset. According to a new Associated Press poll, a majority of Americans are happy that 2009 is over. And a whopping 82% of respondents are optimistic about 2010. I hope they’re right!

Yesterday I posted my New Year’s column from 2002. Today I’m posting my New Year’s column from 2001. I know, I know, I should’ve posted the older column first, but I completely forgot about it until this morning, which is why one of my New Year’s resolutions for 2010 is to improve my memory. (I just hope I remember that resolution tomorrow.) Happy New Year!
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© December 2001 Mark W. Mayfield

I RESOLUTELY RESOLVE TO MAKE REALISTIC RESOLUTIONS

It’s hard to believe, but 2001 is history. (I don’t know about you, but I’m SO ready for 2001 to be history.) And that means it’s time for my inspirational New Year’s resolutions column! Let’s get started.

I resolve to limit my consumption of chocolate-chip cookie dough to three heaping tablespoons per week, unless I’m planning to do extra sit-ups, in which case I’ll eat as much as I want.

I resolve to stay calm when my wife says that I sometimes behave like a child. I resolve to not yell, “Liar, liar, pants on fire!” after I fail to stay calm when my wife says that I sometimes behave like a child.

I resolve to not say, “You look like a slob!” when my son wears his baggy pants and unlaced sneakers. I resolve to not say, “You look like my son!” when I see a genuine slob.

I resolve to ignore my teenage daughter when she accuses me of being “too strict.”
I resolve to stick to my decision to ground my daughter for two years, revoke her driving privilege for three years, and make her perform two hours of strenuous military calisthenics every morning. (After all, such punishment is completely appropriate for a girl who didn’t come home until almost FOUR minutes after her curfew. An effective father can’t tolerate that kind of blatant disobedience.)

I resolve to remind myself that it’s only natural for a seven-week-old puppy to chew on expensive sheepskin slippers. I resolve to remind myself that it’s only natural for a seven-week-old puppy to have an occasional “accident” on the carpet. I resolve to remind myself that it’s only natural for a 43-year-old man to get really, really mad at a seven-week-old puppy.

I hate to do this, but I must reluctantly change horses in the middle of a stream.

One of the many valuable lessons I learned in columnist school is that digressing in the middle of a column is unacceptable. Such indecisiveness causes the reader to question the writer’s credibility. However, in this case, I have no other choice, because after writing the preceding resolutions, I realized that I wouldn’t be able to keep any of them. Of course, I could start the entire column over again, but if I did that, I won’t finish it before the kickoff of a very good college football game. Therefore, I will now continue the column with a few realistic resolutions.

I resolve to be more truthful in my columns, and I will start right now. I never actually attended columnist school. I lied, and I’m very ashamed of myself. However, I told the truth about the football game. It starts in ten minutes.

I resolve to stop using profanity. Don’t get me wrong. I’m not a man who frequently uses naughty words, but sometimes, usually when my stupid lawnmower won’t start, a certain expletive slips out, and it’s a real doozy. It’s the same word that an angry coach might use during an argument with an umpire, the same word that a drill Sergeant might use to frighten new recruits. I also resolve to stop using dumb words, including “doozy,” and dumb expressions, including “change horses in the middle of a stream.”

I resolve to not read any book endorsed or written by Oprah Winfrey.

I resolve to not rob a convenience store while wearing a ski mask.

I resolve to not help hostile countries acquire weapons of mass destruction.

I resolve to not to allow my daughter to become an exotic dancer.

I hope that my noble New Year’s resolutions have inspired you to make a few of your own. For readers who can’t think of any, here’s a good suggestion: Resolve to leave a nice comment for your favorite blogger. His name is Mark Mayfield.

If you enjoy stupid videos, please visit my YouTube channel:
www.YouTube.com/MollyMayfield

AKEMASHITE OMEDETO GOZAIMASU! (That’s Japanese for “Happy New Year!)

Back in 2002, in an attempt to promote global unity, I wrote my annual New Year’s column in several languages. Today, as we prepare to say goodbye to 2009, I’m reprinting the column as my New Year’s wish for mankind.
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© December 2002 Mark W. Mayfield

AKEMASHITE OMEDETO GOZAIMASU! (That’s Japanese for “Happy New Year!)
By Mark Mayfield

Today the world says goodbye, adios, arrivederci, and auf wiedersehen to 2002, and that can mean only one thing: it means I found a web site that translates English into several other languages. So, on this first day of 2003, I will do my part to promote global unity, international peace and universal brotherhood by using many languages in my annual New Year’s resolutions column, which is avidamente antecipado por cada homem, mulher e criança no rosto da terra. (That’s Portuguese for “eagerly anticipated by every man, woman and child on the face of the earth.”)

At this point, I must issue this important disclaimer: I cannot vouch for the accuracy of every translation in today’s column. If I inadvertently offend any reader, foreign or domestic, I am diep droevig. (I’m pretty sure that’s Dutch for “deeply sorry.” It could also be Finnish for “putrid cheese.”)

Before I rivelare le mie risoluzioni per 2003 (that’s Italian for “reveal my resolutions for 2003″), let’s take a look at the results of my 2002 New Year’s resolutions column.

A year ago, I resolved to begrenser mitt forbruk av sjokolade flis småkakedeig til tre fyllende spiseskjer pr. uke, hvis ikker I planlegger gjøre ekstra sitter opp, eter i hvilket tilfelle I som mye som I behov. (That’s Norwegian for “limit my consumption of chocolate-chip cookie dough to three heaping tablespoons per week, unless I’m planning to do extra sit-ups, in which case I’ll eat as much as I want.”) Result: failure. Only two days after making that resolution, I surrendered to the irresistible temptation of delicious semi-sweet chocolate morsels in a heavenly mixture of uncooked flour, sugar and butter. I ate at least four heaping tablespoons. To make matters even worse, I didn’t do a single sit-up afterwards. I am tunay nahihiya ng ang aking sarili. (That’s Filipino for “very ashamed of myself.”)

A year ago, I resolved to not yell, “Lügner, lügner, hose in brand!” (that’s German for “Liar, liar, pants on fire!”) when my wife accuses me of behaving like a child. Result: success. I haven’t used that silly phrase since 2001. These days, when my wife accuses me of behaving like a child, I calmly reply, “Je suis le caoutchouc et vous êtes la colle; quoi que vous dites des bonds de moi et les batons à vous.” (That’s French for “I’m rubber and you’re glue; whatever you say bounces off me and sticks to you.”) If she continues to insult me, I smile sweetly and say, “Icksstay andway onesstay ancay eakbray ymay onesbay, utbay ordsway ancay evernay urthay emay.” (That’s Pig Latin for “Sticks and stones can break my bones, but words can never hurt me.”)

A year ago, I resolved to var olmak daha gerçek içinde benim sütun. (That’s Turkish for “be more truthful in my columns.”) Result: failure. Only two weeks after making that resolution, I wrote a column that was full of pola?istina, debeo pretjerivanje i ravno lagarije. (That’s Croatian for “ half-truths, gross exaggerations and outright falsehoods.”)

A year ago, I resolved to stop calling my son a slob when he wears baggy pants and unlaced tennis shoes. Result: success. I didn’t call him a slob during 2002, but I did call him a la sabandija. (That might be Spanish for “slob.”)

Here are the results from the rest of last year’s resolutions: I succeeded in my resolution to not help hostile countries acquire weapons of mass destruction. I succeeded in my resolution to not read any book endorsed by Oprah Winfrey. (However, I did read several books endorsed by Mark’s Book Club.) I failed in my resolution to not rob a convenience store while wearing a ski mask. (I’m just kidding. I succeeded in that one, too. However, I did purchase a lottery ticket from a convenience store while wearing a very ugly beanie.) I succeeded in my resolution to not allow my daughter to become an exotic dancer. (However, I did allow her to dance with a boy at her school’s prom.)

This year, because of space limitations, I will make only two New Year’s resolutions:

1. I resolve to stop asking, “What are you making for dinner?” when my wife is in bed with the stomach flu.

2. I resolve to never write another column that includes lots of other languages. (It’s too confusing.)

Now, as I ljúka í dag súla (that’s Icelandic for “conclude today’s column”), I want to wish all readers a very Frohes neues Jahr, Feliz Ano Nuevo, Buon Anno Nuovo, Bonne Annee and S Novym Godo. (That’s “Happy New Year” in German, Spanish, Italian, French and Russian.)

E-mail Mark at markimus@comcast.net (That’s English for markimus@comcast.net)

If you enjoy stupid videos, please visit my YouTube channel:
www.YouTube.com/MollyMayfield

My Favorite Christmas Gift: A Bank That Farts

Warning: This video is rated PG-13 for mild profanity

- Posted using BlogPress from my amazing iPhone 3GS.

Please visit
my YouTube channel:
www.YouTube.com/MollyMayfield

Happy Holidays!

Twas three days after Christmas, and all through the house, not a creature was stirring except a very tired guy named Mark, who was drinking his second cup of coffee and trying to recover from a long holiday weekend full of family, fun, food and adult beverages. I hope everybody had a wonderful Christmas.

- Posted using BlogPress from my amazing iPhone 3GS.

Please visit
my YouTube channel:
www.YouTube.com/MollyMayfield