© Mark W. Mayfield

February 14th is here, and that means millions of American men will soon participate in an annual spectacle that millions of American wives call the “Sorry-Excuse-For-A-Husband’s Last-Minute Valentine’s Day Shopping Rush.”

Let’s face it, guys, on the average husband’s “List of Significant Holidays,” Valentine’s Day ranks well below Super Bowl Sunday and only slightly above Canada Day. However, on the average wife’s “List of Days He’d Better Never Forget,” Valentine’s Day ranks right up there with “Our Wedding Anniversary.”

Although most husbands will never fully understand their wives’ fondness for this occasion, we shouldn’t underestimate the day’s conjugal ramifications. Scientific studies prove that an inappropriate gift for Valentine’s Day can severely disturb domestic tranquility for the next several months.

Consider the potential consequences of choosing the wrong gift. Six months have passed since Valentine’s Day, and you and your wife are enjoying a rare evening without the kids. You’re hoping that your selfless decision to bring home a laborsaving frozen pizza will be rewarded by an unforgettable evening of blissful marital relations. Later, that reward appears to be at hand when your seductively attired spouse saunters to your recliner, gently pushes the newspaper aside, sits on your lap and playfully nibbles on your willing earlobes. She slowly runs her fingers through your willing hair, looks longingly into your willing eyes and softly whispers, “What kind of idiot buys a Chia Pet for his wife on Valentine’s Day?” You sit in stunned silence as she jumps up, laughing hysterically, and covers her skimpy nighty with an oversized T-shirt that reads “I Married A Moron,”

Here’s another terrifying possibility. Your wife happily greets you at the breakfast table by saying, “I think I’ll make chile verde burritos for dinner tonight. Would you like that, my big sweet hug muffin?” You LOVE her chile verde burritos and express your husbandly approval with a grateful grunt. A few hours later, she calls you at work and says, “Remember to eat a small lunch, Lover Boy, so you’ll have plenty of room for those yummy burritos. I’m simmering the pork right now. Mmmmm, it smells SO good!”

At the end of your workday, you speed homeward, violently chewing your tie while imagining that first delectable bite of tender pork cooked to perfection in a delicious homemade sauce. When you’re finally at the dinner table, eagerly awaiting the meal of your dreams, your wife skips merrily from the kitchen, plops down a smoldering dish of Cap’n Charlie’s Microwaveable Fishloaf Casserole and says, “A carpet cleaner for Valentine’s Day? Gimme a break, Casanova!”

“But, sweetums,” you puzzledly reply, “it even has upholstery attachments.” She doesn’t care.

To avoid those frightening scenarios, follow these simple gift-giving guidelines. A box of chocolates is OK, but you should hide expensive jewelry behind the mint truffle. You can’t go wrong with a dozen red roses, but they should be placed in the front seat of a brand new car. Lingerie is an acceptable gift, but only if it’s accompanied by a romantic weekend getaway and an expensive dinner for two at a fine restaurant. And remember, any Valentine’s Day gift is incomplete without an appropriate card. Resist your natural inclination to buy one that includes the word “naked.”

Now let’s look at what could happen when you give the perfect gift. You’ve just arrived home after 14 grueling hours at the office, and your beautiful wife greets you at the door with a passionate kiss, leads you to the sofa, and lovingly massages your oh-so-tense neck muscles. Suddenly, you detect the heavenly aroma of chile verde simmering in the kitchen.

“Thanks again for my beautiful roses, delicious chocolates, breathtaking diamond pendant, romantic weekend getaway and the new car,” she appreciatively whispers. “I really don’t deserve such a wonderful husband.” As she walks away to get your slippers and the remote control, you notice that she’s wearing lots of your favorite perfume, Naughty Nights of Peruvian Passion. “Ah,” you say to yourself, “I am SO glad that I used my 401k to buy those heartfelt tokens of love and devotion.”

Mark Mayfield (markimus@comcast.net) still doesn’t see what’s so bad about a carpet steam cleaner WITH upholstery attachments.

My YouTube channel: http://www.YouTube.com/MollyMayfield

Friend me on Facebook: http://www.facebook.com/MarkMayfield

Follow me on Twitter: http://www.twitter.com/AmazingMarkimus


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