Posts Tagged ‘esp’

BEING PARANORMAL ISN’T EASY

There’s a program on A&E called “Paranormal State.” I think the producers stole the idea from a 2002 column I wrote about the amazing powers of my mind. (Okay, maybe not.)
####################


© 2002 Mark W. Mayfield

I’ve long suspected that I’m different from most other people, but now I’m absolutely sure. My suspicions were confirmed as I listened to a late-night radio show that regularly features guests who believe in the existence of supernatural phenomena, including UFO’s, crop circles and truthful politicians. According to a recent guest, an expert in ESP (Extra Sensual Persuasion), people who frequently experience unexplainable psychic episodes may possess extraordinary mental powers (a.k.a. parasitic powers of the mind). Well, when it comes to experiencing unexplainable psychic episodes, I’m an old pro. I’ve been experiencing unexplainable psychic episodes since 1978, after I slipped on an oily spot in the garage and hit my head on the back bumper of a 1963 Volkswagen.

My paranoiac powers of the mind enable me to see the future. For example, last Saturday, when I was watching the Leave It To Beaver marathon while my wife was doing the laundry, washing the car and repairing the water heater, I just knew she would walk by the couch and say, “Shouldn’t you be mowing the lawn or something?” And that’s exactly what she did. It was really weird. Later that day, after my teenage son unsuccessfully attempted to distract me so he could grab the last piece of deep-dish pepperoni pizza, I just knew I would glare at him and say, “Listen, you gluttonous little punk, if you ever want to use that hand again, put the pizza down and move away from the table.” And that’s exactly what happened.

Now consider this unexplainable psychic episode: During a recent dinner at a friend’s house, I just knew that the main course, Norwegian Meatloaf Surprise, would taste terrible. It did. Need more proof? Yesterday, after a heavy file cabinet fell on my right foot, I just knew I would emit a bloodcurdling scream of pain and say a bad word that begins with the 19th letter of the alphabet. Furthermore, I just knew that my wife, who doesn’t believe in my remarkable paramedic powers of the mind, would vainly try to suppress a laugh when she saw my injured foot, which resembled the Coyote’s foot after the Roadrunner crushes it with a huge boulder. I was right again.

At this point, many skeptical readers are sarcastically asking, “Okay, Mr. Parallel Powers of the Mind, if you can see the future, why don’t you pick the winning lottery numbers so you can be rich beyond your wildest dreams?” I just knew that you would ask that stupid question, and I just knew that I would reply like this: You’re just jealous because you don’t have parenthetical powers of the mind. Yes, I could easily exploit my supernatural abilities for my own wealth and prosperity, but that wouldn’t be right. Unlike some of my fellow phenoms, I’ve vowed to never misuse my periodontal powers of the mind for personal gain (except on Super Bowl Sunday).

Don’t get me wrong. I’m not bragging about my astonishing paramount powers of the mind. In fact, sometimes I wish I had an ordinary, unremarkable mind like yours. After all, having paralegal powers of the mind is a tremendous burden. Do you think that I really want to know that my next haircut will make me resemble an angry Pekinese? Do you think that I really want to know that at the zenith of my professional and personal life, I will be involved in a freak accident involving an electric vegetable peeler and a can of whipping cream? Of course not! Life is much more enjoyable when the future remains a mystery. So appreciate your run-of-the-mill, nondescript mind, and pity the unfortunate few who will always live with the hardship of having amazing parabolic powers.

Mark Mayfield just knew that you wouldn’t believe that part about the file cabinet falling on his foot.