Almost 10 years ago, I launched Mark’s Book Club. In my first installment, I reviewed “The Testament” by then unknown author John Grisham. He’s not unknown anymore because Mark’s Book Club made him a household name.
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© February 2000 Mark W. Mayfield
Hoping to duplicate the phenomenal success of Oprah’s Book Club, I proudly present the debut of Mark’s Book Club, which is dedicated to promoting literacy in America and collecting generous kickbacks from grateful authors who become rich after my glowing reviews.
When choosing a book for review, Mark’s Book Club uses the following guidelines:
1. Books written by doctors, mathematicians, astronomers, geologists, geneticists, nuclear physicists and paleontologists are disqualified. MBC believes that such books contain very big words that are hard to pronounce and understand. Big words frustrate average Americans and cause feelings of vicissitudinary inefficaciousness, tegumental disambiguation and quadrilateral recanalization, all of which are invidiously garnetiferous.
2. Mark’s Book Club will not review any book that isn’t available in an inexpensive paperback version at a popular wholesale warehouse that stocks everything from vitamins to vending machines. Furthermore, the book must be displayed within 23 feet of the friendly lady who hands out samples of microwaveable stuffed-crust pizza.
3. Any book featuring a provocatively attired seductress on its cover will receive special attention from Mark’s Book Club, unless Mark’s Book Club’s wife suddenly appears from behind the lawn tractor display, in which case he will emit a convincing sigh of disgust, audibly bemoan the abundance of indecency in modern literature, and toss the book aside with a practiced hand gesture that simultaneously expresses revulsion and outrage. If Mark’s Book Club later notices a new religious novel entitled “Satan Loves Hypocrites,” he will become visibly nervous and deeply regret his interest in the book featuring a provocatively attired seductress on its cover. He will then silently vow to atone for his transgressions by giving a glowing review to that really old Book that people read in church. He will even waive the generous kickback.
Today’s glowing review goes to “The Testament” by unknown author John Grisham. Mr. Grisham is probably a poor, struggling writer living meagerly in a dilapidated house trailer, but Mark’s Book Club is about to rescue him from the ravages of poverty. In fact, the soon-to-be wealthy recipient of the following glowing review should start shopping around for fancy cars, expensive clothes, private jets and a bigger house trailer. He should then send a generous kickback to Mark’s Book Club.
If MBC could use only three words to describe this book, they would be “riveting,” “suspenseful” and “litigious.” If we could use three more words, they would be “rectangular,” “thick” and “paperback.” And if we couldn’t use any words at all, we would enthusiastically grunt while choking on a large sample of stuffed-crust pizza.
In The Testament, a thick, rectangular paperback, Grisham expertly weaves a riveting, suspenseful, litigious tale about the earth’s most terrifying creatures: greedy lawyers. The fun begins when an eccentric billionaire shafts his three ex-wives and six worthless kids by leaving his vast fortune to an illegitimate daughter who is a missionary in Brazil. A lawyer named Nate, who has just successfully completed several grueling months in a fashionable detox facility and is confidently looking forward to a happy, productive life of sobriety, travels to the Brazilian jungle to find the lucky heir, who has no idea that she is a Brazillionaire. At the beginning of his quest, naughty Nate discovers that Brazil has some pretty good beer.
Dangerous jungle reptiles don’t bother Nate because they realize he’s an accomplished attorney who wouldn’t hesitate to slap them with a hefty personal injury lawsuit. However, dangerous disease-carrying mosquitoes, whose small size and identical facial features allow them to avoid arrest and prosecution, are NOT afraid of accomplished attorneys. One of these heartless, blood-sucking monsters, often called “nature’s little IRS agents,” maliciously bites Nate, who soon experiences profuse sweating, high fever, chills, severe muscle cramps and bizarre hallucinations. Coincidentally, Mark’s Book Club is also feeling really icky. In fact, we think we’re gonna . . .
Hi. I’m the friendly lady who hands out tasty samples of convenient microwaveable food at a popular wholesale warehouse. A pale guy with pizza sauce in his mustache asked me to tell you that an unexpected problem prevented Mark’s Book Club from reading the rest of The Testament. Mark’s Book Club apparently ate WAY too much stuffed-crust pizza and needed to go home.
Mark W. Mayfield is still waiting for a generous kickback from John Grisham.
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The Life and Times of Mark Mayfield (so far) 